Reflections on 9-11.......

Like most people, today my thoughts have been about that sad, sad day five years ago. I woke up early and decided to lounge in bed while I watched GMA; Maggie was only 8 months old and usually slept until at least 9:00 am so I could get away with it. Suddenly they broke into an interview to say there'd been an explosion at the World Trade Center, but at that point they didn't know what caused it. They went live to the scene, discussing possible scenarios, when you see a plane come into view. Just as you're thinking "That's strange....." yet still assuming it'll appear on the other side of the towers, you see the explosion. I sat there in shock while my thoughts raced in my head. I called my mom and got her voice mail. My message surely sounded frantic and she called me back as soon as she'd come in from watering her outside plants. Shock. Dismay. Fear. Unsettled. Uncertain of anything anymore. I remember I decided to take a shower before Maggie woke up and came out just in time to see the first tower collapse. I cursed the people who deliberately caused this. Angrier and angrier I got. How dare they!! Then I heard my sweet baby girl babbling in her crib. As I went to get her she gave me one of those gummy smiles only babies can look cute with, and suddenly I broke down crying. As I fed her breakfast, I watched the second tower fall and thought 'Oh Lord, what is happening??!! This kind of stuff doesn't happen here!!!". I placed a call to Mercy Heart Hospital, where Jeff's aunt was scheduled for surgery that morning, to make sure she wasn't near a television. Luckily the nurses were on the ball and managed to isolate the patients from the relentless coverage of the disaster. I got to speak with Jeff when I went to give him something he needed at work and had to explain to him that the towers were gone. "What do you mean 'gone'??" he said with disbelief. "They both collapsed, honey. They're gone.". Shock on his face, but after a hug he had to compose himself for another case. Rumors were rampant that there were still planes that were unaccounted for and where they might attack next. Then it was home for me & Maggie, to sit in our house and wonder what came next as I guiltily searched the TV for a channel displaying anything but that day's news. That night I was scared of the dark and had to have every light on in the house. Over the next few days, as the news replayed the disaster as well as the personal stories of heroes, survivors and of those left behind to grieve, I found myself wondering how life could ever be the same as 'before' and how life would be in this new era the terrorists had forced on us. We'd always talked of having two kids, but would we want to bring another child into this world when we were so uncertain what it was going to be like?? Did we have to worry, with several bases in the same state, would we be targeted next?? Should we trust anything we received in the mail?? Why do they hate us so much?? What drives them to be so willing to die?? So many questions; so much uncertainty; so many fears.

I'll be the first to admit I never want to experience that kind of uncertainty again; I doubt any sane person would. I think I still feel guilt for the distance, physically & emotionally, that is between me and those who experienced it firsthand, but I'm also greatful for the isolation it seems to give us. I pray for those who lost so much that day, for the loss of innocence & trust, and for the future of our country. I also pray that those who have such hatred in their hearts somehow discover the God I believe in and love, that they may see He is not vengeful and that vengeful acts don't secure you a higher place in Heaven. I pray for those putting their lives on the line on the other side of the world in the belief that freedom is good, not evil.

Hopefully we've all learned from that terrible day, that mistakes were probably made, and that we can use them for preventing anything similar in the future. I'm proud of my country and hope you are, too.

Never forget.