Hello........My Name is Mrs. Whiiiiiiiineeerrrrrrr......

Man, I'm doing it again and it's still over a month from the dance recital: insomnia and blogging at 3:00 am. I am in a funk and I'm not totally sure where to put the blame; I hate feeling like I'm the constant guest star in my own little pity party. WARNING WARNING: WHINING AHEAD....... Several things I can think of:

1. My brother and sister-in-law suddenly up and moving back to Florida, taking my baby nephew with them, and I didn't get to see him before they left. The Saturday before they leave (the following Wednesday) I get the following e-mail: "Kim, We are leaving this Wednesday. If you guys wanna see Bryce before we head out, Sunday or even Tuesday afternoon might be good. We are packing the POD and won't have much furniture to sit on or anything like that. Let us know. Love ya. Sean. " Now keep in mind, they don't live around the corner from me. To see them works out to be almost a 300 mile round-trip for me, a 5-year old, and an almost 3-year old. Now when I learned they were moving a few weeks earlier I had mentioned the possibility of getting together before they left, but I was thinking along the lines of converging at my mom's house in OKC, which is about a 180 mile round trip for both families. Maybe I was thinking they'd like to see us (especially his nieces) before they left as well??!! Call me sensitive, but my feelings were hurt. The option of even trying to go was taken away by the fact that my baby girl was running a fever and I woke up Sunday morning with a sore throat that turned out to be from a strep infection (that's what Kendall had, too; I'm soooooooo not in the running for Mother of the Year 2006) . So we didn't get to see them and that was the last contact I had from my brother through today i.e. no "Sorry you're sick and we couldn't get together." or even "We all made it to FL safely.". I know he's busy, but damn, I'm his only sibling and I worshipped the boy when we were growing up in the way that only a little sister can. Ouch.

2. Kendall ran a fever for a full week. Jeff & I thought she had a viral infection called roseola, which is categorized by a high fever, a rash, and maybe a runny nose, which fit her symptoms to a T. It probably wouldn't have been so bad if the kid would take her Tylenol by mouth, but since she's mastered the medicine-spit-out, we had to resort to suppositories when her temp was hovering in the 104-105 degree range. She was miserable and so were we. She wasn't eating, so we put her back on whole milk just to give her some extra fat and calories. She also wanted to be held all the time and basically monopolized my time and attention, as any sick person will do when Mommy is around, and this totally didn't sit well with Maggie. Anyways, I wake up Sunday morning with a horrible sore throat; I'm talking the clench-your-jaws-before-swallowing-because-you-know-how-badly-it's-going-to-hurt-sore-throat. I go to see the family doc on Monday for a strep screen, because I'm pretty sure that's the culprit, and I make an appointment for Kendall just to get her checked out as she's been febrile pretty much since the previous Tuesday. After my test is positive, Dr. Carpenter looks at Kendall's throat and says "Hers is pretty red, too. Do you want a strep screen on her, too??" Might as well as I think "Crap. Why didn't I get her here sooner??!!! Roseola what??" Of course her test is positive as well, which makes me wonder if her throat felt that bad for a week or if she actually had two infections back to back. Either way I feel like posting a sign on my forehead that flashes "BAD MOMMY!!!!". Then that afternoon the preschool calls to tell me Maggie is running a fever and I need to come get her. On the way I call the doc again and she says the chances she has strep as well are pretty high and wants to put her on antibiotics as well. So I had both kids home on Tuesday, even though all three of us were much better (Kendall's fever finally broke that morning), I didn't want to send them to school until they'd been fever free for at least 24 hours. It was sooooo nice to hug my baby and not feel her burning up. Kicking myself for not taking her in sooner, although we honestly thought roseola was to blame, and the fever with that can run as long as 7 days........whatever to lessen the guilt......

3. Work. Work. Work. Since I'm on my own as far as childcare and any billing help as well as in the middle of a software switch, I've been struggling to keep up. Add to that the fact that I had kids home on two days they're usually in school has made things mount up even more. I want to do my job, and I want to do it well, I'm just trying to figure out that balance of work and home, even though my office IS home. I can get caught up with work, but the housework suffers and vice versa. I know I have the option of hiring some help, but I have this insane desire to prove I can do it all on my own (I just had a flash of Lola from 'Charlie and Lola' here, if anybody knows what I'm talking about). Plus, I can get really territorial sometimes and I just don't want to deal with having somebody else in the house, having to show/tell them what to do, having to watch what I say, etc. I also have a need for time alone in my house, even if I'm working the whole time. I'm becoming a control freak. I know there's a balance out there, I just have to find it without shortchanging anybody. I know Jeff takes the brunt of that right now, and God love 'em, he still puts up with me even though I think he's still trying to figure out all of my weirdness. Ahhhhhhh....going for the position of Supermom is sooo stressful........

4. Jeff's dad had bypass surgery on Thursday. Even though I think we knew it'd be OK, it's still stressful and worrisome whenever open-heart surgery is involved. I worried for Don, of course, but also Jane, for her role as wife and care-taker, and for Jeff, because it's his dad and that involves a whole different set of emotions. He's also a doc himself, so he knows the risks involved. He got to see him the day of surgery and on Monday, so I think that was good for all of them to be together. We're just keeping our fingers crossed that Don listens to his docs and follows the rules for recovery, even though I know he hates not being able to be active and feel really good. It'll happen, he just has to be patient. Keep him in your prayers.

5. My mom, my main sounding board, left on Thursday for China. (!) I'm excited and worried for her, but I hope she has a blast. I am just missing being able to talk to her right now. She'll be back in another week........

6. I saw Angie on Sunday and I spoke with her briefly, but I feel guilty because the whole situation makes me totally uncomfortable. Not that any of us is comfortable dealing with a dying person, but I just don't know what to say or do. The typical "How are you doing??" or "You look great!!!" just don't seem to fit when you're speaking to somebody laying in a hospital bed in their living room, breathing oxygen, and you know they're going to be gone soon. I was scared to get too close because my family has been passing infections back and forth and she has no strength to fight anything off right now. To be honest I don't want any of her time left here on earth to be miserable with a cold she got from me or worse, for my cold to be what kills her. I feel guilty that I couldn't just sit and have a conversation with her, because she's a wonderful person, but dealing with sick people is not my forte, which is why I worked in the hospital lab: I could help people without having to deal with them. When I took dinner on Monday night, she was asleep. I just tried to get a good look at her, because I don't know if I'll see her again. I totally feel like a coward but I don't know what to do. I just pray for her and her family and just keep them close to my heart on a daily basis.

7. I know it's petty, but right now I feel like I'm caught between two groups of friends/acquaintances but not really an integral part of either of them. There have been some recent events that happened that I really didn't know about until somebody asked me if I was going or why I wasn't when I never was invited in the first place. Maybe if it'd been one or the other it wouldn't bother me so much. I don't think it was personal, I just feel like I'm in junior high again. I think this is the point that makes me realize the funk is on, because I don't think it would bug me if it wasn't. I also know that it would be considered overreacting that I didn't get an actual invite, but I guess I think that if I was meant to have one my name would have come up on the list in the first place. I know it's my fault as much as anybody's; I've pulled out of some things and have turned down offers from other groups/events because Jeff's schedule, my schedule, and the kids keeping me busy. Yes I know there are such things as sitters, but to do all these things I'd go broke paying them plus I'd never see those little rascals, hence more mommy guilt. Plus, I really have to work up the nerve to ask somebody to watch my kids, which I think goes back to the control freak issue and the fact that I know they have their own lives to live or other people to help. AAAARRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH. The cycle never ends.

To conclude, I'm in a funk and I think these are the contibuting factors. I feel better just having blogged about them, less guilty than I'd feel if I had cornered some poor soul and dropped my whine-bomb on them when they have their own things to deal with. I'll get through it; it's just been one of those things.

Thanks to my consignment store shopping buddy; I think I really needed that trip, too (maybe not as badly as you, though!!!) even though we had to wait for the tornados to pass by before we could leave. I think we both got some needed venting done, so I'd say it was a very productive trip indeed!!!!!

Now, I think I need some cheese........all that whining has made me hungry.......